April 25, 2012
POLL: Majority of Republicans Guess They Have to Support Fucking Romney
Lack of Other Option Cited
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In what Romney campaign insiders are
hailing as a sign that the party faithful are rallying around the former
Massachusetts governor, a new poll released today shows that a majority of
Republican voters agree with the statement, “I guess I have to support
fucking Romney.”
When asked why they were now ready to cast their vote for Mr. Romney, a
majority of those Republicans polled “strongly agreed” with the statement,
“Why do you think? No one else is fucking running anymore. Stop asking
such stupid fucking questions. I don’t need this shit.”
Underscoring the sense that he is now the presumptive nominee, the Romney
campaign unveiled a new slogan this morning, “You Have No Other Options
Anymore. Start Dealing With It, Losers.”
After sweeping five primary states Tuesday night, Mr. Romney was exultant,
telling supporters in Manchester, N.H., “I love American democracy. I’m
good friends with the owners of it.”
The wins by Mr. Romney forced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to suspend
his campaign, telling reporters that he was leaving the race “to spend more
time with my families.”
As for former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, he offered Mr. Romney this
endorsement during an appearance on CNN: “Yeah, I guess I support him,
because, well duh, I have absolutely no other choice. Right? I mean,
really, Piers, what kind of moronic question is that? I guess this goes to
show that you can be a total douchebag and still win the nomination if you
have the most dough. I mean come on -- this whole situation makes me want
to throw up. My only consolation is that on Judgment Day I’m going to
Heaven, and we’ll have to see what happens to Mr. Magic Underpants. Haha.
Yeah. Sweet.”
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