It's 2:45 am.
I have to wake up and write or I will go crazy. I lay here asking myself is it my fault, is it some kind of imperfection in me that makes me have these wild dreams of him? I'm feeling awful guilty that my mind when I'm sleeping wants me to be with him. I know he is a married man with children. I know I have guts to even write this because I'm totally leaving myself open to ridicule and judgment mostly by myself.
But tonight I begged for a dream. Sometimes we humans can do that you know. We can watch our dreams and ask before we sleep to dream something. It's all very innocent but I have looked over my journals and in the last two years there have been dreams where he kissed me. Hard. I can't be guilty for something I didn't do. Maybe I need to meet a man who will make me forget,,,but I don't know if that can happen. I'm open to whatever God has in store for me..but this dream of him tonight started and I woke up. Now I can't go back to sleep for fear that it won't continue. It was weird. I had a dream a few weeks ago I was at a party he threw and when he got there all he ask me to do was meet and greet people then I lay back in a reclining chair and he sat on my lap and laid back..God will I regret writing this in the morning? Will I come back here and edit this out because I'm not in my right mind when I write sometimes.
He had me hold him. As if he needed support. So here I have laid for weeks, even during a hospital visit for a week and a half..i have this grounded feeling of supporting him. I hope he does not hate me for writing this. I hope he recognizes my need to get these things out to him in some way and if that involves the possibility of everyone that i respect reading it as well....well what can I do? He put me here behind him..holding him around his middle,,,holding on tight as if he would fly off from lack of gravity if I were not there.
I wish he had a twin brother who was not taken. I wish I was someone else many times. I wish I was not me. That is sad to say but often it is true. I talked to my "boyfriend" tonight. A man I have known for 7 years yet we have only been friends on the phone. He knows about my trouble with finding someone who will help me get over a "bigger than life crush" on someone who does not know I exist. Someone who loves me in my dreams. Who isn't bound to the Earthly reality that I live in now. I have written him, i have talked to my friend about how this might affect our relationship. At times, I have even ask to role play a conversation as if I really had the chance to say what I want to say. Which I guess I will never really say on here.
I feel ashamed and embarassed..
and worried that I'm breaking some sacred thing by harboring thoughts of another woman's man. What is a girl to do? I mean watching the video on here for Unthought Known, when he looks into the camera he is looking into my soul. I guess I'm glad he doesn't do that much, because it tears me up. It literally reeks havoc on my mind. The stretching of the mindfulness of seeing his eyes gaze in my direction have always been hard. Even at a show when I sat close the first time, we caught each other's gaze and I had to look away.
as if I didn't have permission to be so close.
Then I go and fall asleep tonight and the dream is trippy. I'm in my bed and for some reason my sister is there too. We shared a bed as kids which is awkward as you grow up. I don't know what my parents were thinking. I guess when we were young it was ok. Of course I eventually got my own bed but shared a room. So here I am having a dream of him and we are laughing in bed. Nothing sexual is going on,,but the idea of it happening is there (again, please bare with me...this is just a dream) I say to him, dammit my sister is here can you freak her out and get her out of here by waking her up and letting her know you are here and I'm not crazy? He tries and I"m holding his head in my hands as we fall off the bed in laughter and end up under the bed. I can hear my sister snoring and I'm slightly pissed. He is still laughing. He always makes me laugh. Whether he is scaring the shit out of me by wearing a mask or making me write things in the middle of the night like this. It's fun to blame someone who isn't responsible. Things I should not be writing. I wake up and stroke my mind for what I just dreamed and now I'm all stuck under the bed without him and without the guarantee that when I go back to sleep he will be there to relieve me of this state I'm in now. It's very lonely to be someone who wants someone who the world says you can't have. I have this medical condition still that even a long distance boyfriend can't solve. Maybe I should buy an airplane ticket to see this man, yet again, I believe he should come to me. Then again, who am I kidding, unless Eddie calls me I will always be in this state of mind. Forever wishing things were 1995 again and i had that front row seat sent from some anonymous person from Ten Club. Who knows what would have happened. Maybe he would not be married now to someone else. I think things are the way the should be as he has this beautiful family. I would not want to destroy that.It's really hard being me. Especially when I don't have a censor on my brain and I'm willing to let everything out on here and who knows if I will get banned again. I don't care. I love him. I just love him unconditionally. I wish he had more than one wife. Well, I do.
Well, it's 3:08, I guess I will keep myself busy by watching you tube and trying to find the video that was made last the most recent moving pictures of him. I get so lost in the past. IN Unplugged in interviews from the beginning when I was married and pregnant with my son who is now almost 20. As old as the band. I remember seeing Black unplugged. I was pregnant. It was very hard to see your soulmate when you are pregnant and married and having another man's child. I only allowed myself so much recognition and heartache. It was too late back then. Is it still too late now? My deepest respect for his wife. My sincere apology to anything or anyone this entry causes anxiety. I have it too. Your not alone.
"Censorship is never over for those who have experienced it. It is a brand on the imagination that affects the individual who has suffered it, forever. Noam Chomsky