This Could Be The Day?

[BhagavadGita]

I really must be completely out of my mind to be writing this shit down on the message pit. I'm going to be slaughtered..I know it every...I let go on here...this is what happens...

Hint- There are coded messages in this post for anyone clever enough to highlight the obvious.

Ok,,, so you are smarter than you thought....i'm no stalker..i'm just a woman with hysteria. Ever heard of it? I bet you have....if you are a woman you already know..why Eddie raw sexual energy fucking kills us into revealing our hearts on this sometimes cold forum...of course I find that men who love women also know how hysterical we get if we don't have a good orgasm once in a while. I'm not talking just good..I'm talking...

If you have not figured out what I'm talking about I'll just be blunt. I want a Disney orgasm. Eddie is a Prince Charming to me...I have been pulled into Porch unplugged and my raw emotions are like a friggin Disney gone wild on acid...I'm trying to keep my life pure and well I can't seem to have a real relationship because of Eddie Vedder. For 20 years I have literally had dreams of him. The very first dream of him came true for him. I saw it three days before it happened.

Mom, took me to a Disney film every Christmas morning in the 60's. Of course I ended up this way. I know I"m an adult and I sound like a total obsessed fan but have mercy on me...I'm just a product of my environment. I was still profoundly affected the first time I went to Disney World. I knew it was fake at 10 but it didn't matter..Cinderella's castle was there in monument to what I stood for. Happy Endings...

hint - secret code henceforth

So ya you wonder what the fuck is this chick talking about? Well in the old days, doctors use to relieve women's hysteria with an orgasm. Yes, HE would stimulate her to orgasm to relieve depression and hysterical behavior. you have to wonder where the fuck where their husbands and what was happening or NOT HAPPEning IN THE marriage bed then? Ok. So I have been married. I have not spent my life craving mr. vedder. it started with Davy Jones actually. that sweet petit Brit.

No I don't have a betterman. Every relationship runs a stale 3rd to a fantasy relationship with a rock star who is out of my fucking league. I"m too tense to keep typing..if you God Some Mr. Vedder...Why not become Mormon or something and take on a bunch of wives. I'm up for being number 1101 I have a pretty good seniority in the Ten Club. Hey, I'm will to wait for just hand holding session with no talking. You know we have been in that place before a thousand times if not those three times I know you remember...I know your reading this now...do you dare to answer? God help me.

GOD HELP ME.

[BhagavadGita]

How do you make love to an angel...Just Breath and wait for the phone to ring.

You know I'm higher than an airplane.

[DopeBeastie]

I really must be completely out of my mind to be writing this shit down on the message pit. I'm going to be slaughtered..I know it every...I let go on here...this is what happens...

Hint- There are coded messages in this post for anyone clever enough to highlight the obvious.

Ok,,, so you are smarter than you thought....i'm no stalker..i'm just a woman with hysteria. Ever heard of it? I bet you have....if you are a woman you already know..why Eddie raw sexual energy fucking kills us into revealing our hearts on this sometimes cold forum...of course I find that men who love women also know how hysterical we get if we don't have a good orgasm once in a while. I'm not talking just good..I'm talking...

If you have not figured out what I'm talking about I'll just be blunt. I want a Disney orgasm. Eddie is a Prince Charming to me...I have been pulled into Porch unplugged and my raw emotions are like a friggin Disney gone wild on acid...I'm trying to keep my life pure and well I can't seem to have a real relationship because of Eddie Vedder. For 20 years I have literally had dreams of him. The very first dream of him came true for him. I saw it three days before it happened.

Mom, took me to a Disney film every Christmas morning in the 60's. Of course I ended up this way. I know I"m an adult and I sound like a total obsessed fan but have mercy on me...I'm just a product of my environment. I was still profoundly affected the first time I went to Disney World. I knew it was fake at 10 but it didn't matter..Cinderella's castle was there in monument to what I stood for. Happy Endings...

hint - secret code henceforth

So ya you wonder what the fuck is this chick talking about? Well in the old days, doctors use to relieve women's hysteria with an orgasm. Yes, HE would stimulate her to orgasm to relieve depression and hysterical behavior. you have to wonder where the fuck where their husbands and what was happening or NOT HAPPEning IN THE marriage bed then? Ok. So I have been married. I have not spent my life craving mr. vedder. it started with Davy Jones actually. that sweet petit Brit.

No I don't have a betterman. Every relationship runs a stale 3rd to a fantasy relationship with a rock star who is out of my fucking league. I"m too tense to keep typing..if you God Some Mr. Vedder...Why not become Mormon or something and take on a bunch of wives. I'm up for being number 1101 I have a pretty good seniority in the Ten Club. Hey, I'm will to wait for just hand holding session with no talking. You know we have been in that place before a thousand times if not those three times I know you remember...I know your reading this now...do you dare to answer? God help me.

GOD HELP ME.

oh bhaga... you are no product of your environment - you choose to be who you are

[BhagavadGita]

Thank you .....

So who are you ?

Thank you for not stickin it to me.

[DopeBeastie]

erm... I've had a bunch of names on the board... you might remember me by PastaNazi? circa 2004?

[BhagavadGita]

I've known so many names aka profile avatars whatever...I remember you..you might also remember Sound, Sevensins, Radar Baba O'Riley, so many others..that was the year I think they banned me. I can't remember why except I posted some poem about astronots (spelling is not my thing nor is typing)

Why change your name? I guess one gets tired of being oneself but I imagine there are many that are truly only one..I wonder which one was Ed..or Mike, or Jeff or Stone or Matt? I must have said a bunch of crazy things back then...do you remember me?

Just trying to find recent video of Eddie. I get scared when I don't see or hear from him. He is like a comet in my life in 9 years I have seen him on average of 3 times...not concert environments. More like at the Rite Aid and in other places where I can get a dose of the human man he is. The pure peace of mind he provides me. He can just say something in real life like "you have a handsome dog" which really happened and it set my soul spinning like a laser light show on some dome on a planetarium somewhere, watching Pink Floyd's Any Colour You Like and thinking of myself as a rolling purple laser beam setting my gears in my heart on total bliss. I'm not ashamed to say that Eddie is like a Jesus. Don't get upset when I say that. Jesus was a representation of a man and how to live. So is Ed. So are alot of holy men.

At church which I don't really mean church in a traditional way, I mean it in a spiritual gathering place way where every faith is welcome. But today they had a baby blessing and they talked about how Jesus said be as a child would be. I was given permission to pester God for the blessing I want for my inner child. I wish I could meet a nice man who would love Eddie like I do. How do I have a relationship with a man when I has this huge hero worship of Ed? What man would want to compete with that? It has not helped my former relationships. Thanks for letting me vent...now that I"m babbling about myself..I'm not sure who wants to read this emotional spittle that comes out of my mind..sometimes I just don't like writing alone to myself in a Word document and have no feedback or another's feeling about what I just say in passing.

I hope also whatever moderator is reading this understands that the last thing I am is a threat to anyone or myself and that sometimes I need to vent and that what I write is not obsessing but a moments drunkenness in this music we all know..and the man who is a poet has me hypnotized. Please don't ban me again. I promise to be good. Jesus said I'm ok.

Does anyone want to talk about anything? Would Eddie Vedder dare to reveal himself on this message board as himself or will he always hide under these names he can create. Why would a man who is gentle and knightly and Sir like be so cold as to ignore a woman's need to recreate her sanity by him at least acknowledging her dreams of him and her concern for his well being. I often get worried that something I think or say or believe would cause Ed to feel anxious or exposed. For example, I wanted to write a book about Eddie & Me. But was afraid that it would actually be good and someone would publish it and it would be a best seller and suddenly he would be thrust into the spotlight without his permission. I would not want that. If he wants to remain as Neil Young has,,,there is only so much a person can take as far as being really well known where you can't go anywhere.

I like that the day that I ran into him that I decided way before that if he and I were ever in the same room that i would not acknowledge that I knew who he was. He would not know if I were acting or knot, so then I don't make him uncomfortable. But I wish I could share with the whole world in a bottle of what it felt like to experience dreams of a man, then see him in concert in real life and then see him just picking out a composition notebook in realer life..and realize how much joy it must be to be his daughter. The sheer safety of waking up to that person as your dad. wow.

ok..i have really gone on now. I have a feeling this is going to be a journal and anyone who wants to comment is welcome. I'm sorry if this does not fit in poetry section but it is prose of some kind lol..

thank you for reading. I wish I didn't have to wait so long for comments. I know I won't sleep easy tonight. at least now that he didn't call to say goodnight.

[BhagavadGita]

I'm fucking depressed.

[DopeBeastie]

there is recent video, bhaga... it is here: http://www.pearljam.com/video/thank-you

are you going to any of the shows? Ed's playing at the Kiva in my backyard.... i'm not going, but... maybe if it was closer and I had cash to blow.

I remember, seven and sound and radar and all them fellas and fellinas. I still have Radar's book. Did you get a copy? Gosh, he was a crazy good poet.

Anyhow, I changed my name because of an ex. He was threatening a custody battle, and I was afraid of how he'd use what I posted. I am so disbelieving of how many years ago that all was, though... absolutely amazing....

and so... a toast to you...

I am wishing you well...

[BhagavadGita]

What a sweet Thank You from the guys. How cool to share it now. It seemed so personal but Ed scares the crap out of me sometimes..;P They all need to come to my house for the holidays. I have never known someone I didn't really know that felt so much like family.

I remember Radar well. I have his disturbing yet humorous poems still in my bookshelf. I was a bit manic back then and when I received it was convinced Eddie wrote that under another name. It's a bit personal now as I have not shown many people the book as I have radically changed the meaning of many of the pages by my lunatic rantings on the pages. Talking to myself so to speak but answering to the meaning of many a beautifully grotesque love poem. The one with the couple in the garbage was one of my favorites, and the teasingly torturous story of the band of men who tied a woman up to a tree and proceeded to court her and then left her there..was disturbing but fuckin funny. Anyway..

That video of the guys makes me feel the love. I can almost imagine what it is like to have so many in the world you have not met love you like crazy. What a safe feeling.

I'm not going to a show because for some reason beyond my understanding the guys including Ed alone are not playing any Seattle dates. We poor Seattleites may look like we have it lucky for the small shows we get, but we beg just like you guys. They don't have any dates booked here. waaaaaa lol

I can't believe it was so long ago when we started writing.. I hope you have resolved your past with your ex..that's a bummer you felt so fragile that you had to change your name. I sometimes wish I had changed my name on here as no one really forgets mine as it is so hard to pronounce I'm sure. I have written some pretty messed up stuff on here that I'm sure makes me look a bit insane.

Speaking of insane. My bank, Wells Fargo called me and wants me to come in for a free credit report. I have to laugh because why are they wasting their time with me. I have the world's shittiest credit and most of it is medical debt. I guess they want me to come in to remind me what I loser I am financially. Every thing circled the drain when I got sick back in 03. Stopped working full time and I had done that all my life. I was making good money with a great small company when the shit hit the fan. Now the bank would not even consider giving me a credit card and I'm -24 overdrawn in my account due to some random person stealing my numbers and charging at a terriaki joint 3 times one day. Oh joy..my life is all uphill. I guess I will get myself dressed on this chilly first day of spring in Seattle and be thankful that the guys have not left for touring so there is always the magical chance I might run into one of the men I adore. Maybe I will go to EAsy Street and have a coffee.

I'm feeling anxious and paranoid but I will just smoke more pot and trust the exercise and unlimited possibilities might just catch up with me. hee hee.

have a nice day!

[vogonpoetbythelake]

Kvorka- the allure of the animal-
Look deep within your promise,
His instinct to survive and thrive,
Remembering, brain is wide, brain is deep
So what you giving?
Do not fret
For he is giving all
And you can do the same
To Self,
To Other
To Community

[BhagavadGita]

Thank you for reminding me that what Pearl Jam gives me is an education.
The music fights for so much more than just materialism..

Eddie's book recommendations deserve him a teacher status in my book. The more he expands my mind and how willing I am to stand for what he stands for makes me fall in love with him evermore. I'm so amazed at the things I have learned from The Ten Club and from the message of mindfulness whatever cause they support. I know how much what they contribute to can make me swell with excitement for the people and causes and The EArth they support.

I'd like to think I have given a bunch because of the awareness they/he has raised in me.

I feel more enlightened and evolved because of the music.

Thank you for reminding us all of what we give back to the world means something.

[BhagavadGita]

It's 2:45 am.

I have to wake up and write or I will go crazy. I lay here asking myself is it my fault, is it some kind of imperfection in me that makes me have these wild dreams of him? I'm feeling awful guilty that my mind when I'm sleeping wants me to be with him. I know he is a married man with children. I know I have guts to even write this because I'm totally leaving myself open to ridicule and judgment mostly by myself.

But tonight I begged for a dream. Sometimes we humans can do that you know. We can watch our dreams and ask before we sleep to dream something. It's all very innocent but I have looked over my journals and in the last two years there have been dreams where he kissed me. Hard. I can't be guilty for something I didn't do. Maybe I need to meet a man who will make me forget,,,but I don't know if that can happen. I'm open to whatever God has in store for me..but this dream of him tonight started and I woke up. Now I can't go back to sleep for fear that it won't continue. It was weird. I had a dream a few weeks ago I was at a party he threw and when he got there all he ask me to do was meet and greet people then I lay back in a reclining chair and he sat on my lap and laid back..God will I regret writing this in the morning? Will I come back here and edit this out because I'm not in my right mind when I write sometimes.

He had me hold him. As if he needed support. So here I have laid for weeks, even during a hospital visit for a week and a half..i have this grounded feeling of supporting him. I hope he does not hate me for writing this. I hope he recognizes my need to get these things out to him in some way and if that involves the possibility of everyone that i respect reading it as well....well what can I do? He put me here behind him..holding him around his middle,,,holding on tight as if he would fly off from lack of gravity if I were not there.

I wish he had a twin brother who was not taken. I wish I was someone else many times. I wish I was not me. That is sad to say but often it is true. I talked to my "boyfriend" tonight. A man I have known for 7 years yet we have only been friends on the phone. He knows about my trouble with finding someone who will help me get over a "bigger than life crush" on someone who does not know I exist. Someone who loves me in my dreams. Who isn't bound to the Earthly reality that I live in now. I have written him, i have talked to my friend about how this might affect our relationship. At times, I have even ask to role play a conversation as if I really had the chance to say what I want to say. Which I guess I will never really say on here.

I feel ashamed and embarassed.. and worried that I'm breaking some sacred thing by harboring thoughts of another woman's man. What is a girl to do? I mean watching the video on here for Unthought Known, when he looks into the camera he is looking into my soul. I guess I'm glad he doesn't do that much, because it tears me up. It literally reeks havoc on my mind. The stretching of the mindfulness of seeing his eyes gaze in my direction have always been hard. Even at a show when I sat close the first time, we caught each other's gaze and I had to look away. as if I didn't have permission to be so close.

Then I go and fall asleep tonight and the dream is trippy. I'm in my bed and for some reason my sister is there too. We shared a bed as kids which is awkward as you grow up. I don't know what my parents were thinking. I guess when we were young it was ok. Of course I eventually got my own bed but shared a room. So here I am having a dream of him and we are laughing in bed. Nothing sexual is going on,,but the idea of it happening is there (again, please bare with me...this is just a dream) I say to him, dammit my sister is here can you freak her out and get her out of here by waking her up and letting her know you are here and I'm not crazy? He tries and I"m holding his head in my hands as we fall off the bed in laughter and end up under the bed. I can hear my sister snoring and I'm slightly pissed. He is still laughing. He always makes me laugh. Whether he is scaring the shit out of me by wearing a mask or making me write things in the middle of the night like this. It's fun to blame someone who isn't responsible.

Things I should not be writing. I wake up and stroke my mind for what I just dreamed and now I'm all stuck under the bed without him and without the guarantee that when I go back to sleep he will be there to relieve me of this state I'm in now. It's very lonely to be someone who wants someone who the world says you can't have. I have this medical condition still that even a long distance boyfriend can't solve. Maybe I should buy an airplane ticket to see this man, yet again, I believe he should come to me. Then again, who am I kidding, unless Eddie calls me I will always be in this state of mind. Forever wishing things were 1995 again and i had that front row seat sent from some anonymous person from Ten Club. Who knows what would have happened. Maybe he would not be married now to someone else. I think things are the way the should be as he has this beautiful family. I would not want to destroy that.

It's really hard being me. Especially when I don't have a censor on my brain and I'm willing to let everything out on here and who knows if I will get banned again. I don't care. I love him. I just love him unconditionally. I wish he had more than one wife. Well, I do.

Well, it's 3:08, I guess I will keep myself busy by watching you tube and trying to find the video that was made last the most recent moving pictures of him. I get so lost in the past. IN Unplugged in interviews from the beginning when I was married and pregnant with my son who is now almost 20. As old as the band. I remember seeing Black unplugged. I was pregnant. It was very hard to see your soulmate when you are pregnant and married and having another man's child. I only allowed myself so much recognition and heartache. It was too late back then. Is it still too late now? My deepest respect for his wife. My sincere apology to anything or anyone this entry causes anxiety. I have it too. Your not alone.

[DopeBeastie]

bless your heart, journaler...

[BhagavadGita]

I'm feeling desperate.

I wanted to go to the fundraiser for Mike's cause on Saturday night and there is no one to go with. Although I know some people who will be there, I don't have a girlfriend who is friggin willing to go anywhere after dark. One is married. One has kids and won't even think of it.

I feel like putting my photo on the Pearl Jam dating thread. What the fuck do I have to lose. I mean I'm open to a real relationship...not this fantasy that is killing me. I just want a man's company that is all. I'm gonna do it. What have I got to lose.

[the wolf]

........