*** Jokes of the Day!! ***

[veddertown]

Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says, "Here, can you smell fish?"

[canoegirl]

salmon on the front steps today happy arrival

[canoegirl]

who to vote for in ny state

[number1PJfan]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mom replied, 'White is the color of happiness, & today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?

[DaveyG]

"If you are flammable and have legs, then you are never blocking a fire exit, and you can write that down, and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom. A dash, a dash, that's all I want to be doin' was dashed."

-Mitch Hedberg

[pandora]

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.

Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.

Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!

[number1PJfan]

Here are some Halloween one liners straight from my fourth graders--I'll apologize in advance for the corniness--

What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
Hello, hello, hello.

What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.

What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A wash-and-werewolf.

What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.

What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.

Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.

Where do vampires live?
In the Vampire State Building.

Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.

Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.

What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.

What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.

Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.

What does a goblin shop for?
Grosseries.

How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.

What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.

Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech.

[pandora]

The Duck and the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.’

The old farmer Garge replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’
The indignant lawyer said, ‘I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The lawyer asked, ‘What is the ‘Tree Kick Rule’?’

The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on me land, I get to go first. I kick you tree times and then you kick me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’

[pandora]

Dog in heat


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[davidtrios]

A young man asks another man who has been married for 50 years, "What is the secret to a long and prosperous marriage."

The old man replys, "It's really quite simple. We have sex almost every night. We almost have it Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."

[Jo]

A man drives past a road sign that says.....
" FRUIT that taste like ANYTHING you WANT!"
So the man stops and askes for some fruit that tastes like 'strawberries and cream'......he bights into it and it tasted like strawberries on one side and cream on the other.
The man askes for some fruit that tastes like Steak and Potatoes, and sure enough, it tastes like steak on one side and potatoes on the other.
So he asked for some fruit that tasted like pussie.
He bit into it and said " BLURK!!, it taste like SHIT!"

[Dissidentman]

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

[Jo]

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

and.....................?
Did you win the game of Darts?

[Dissidentman]

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

and.....................?
Did you win the game of Darts?

It was a draw.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

[he.who.forgets]

how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a pretty obscure number...you've probably never heard of it